So many thoughts these days wanting to bubble to some boiling point and turn into steam. Something great lies ahead. Meanwhile I am here. Scared out of my wits at moments, depressed at moments, meditating moments, having a good laugh.
I started to write a seriously serious post but was reminded when all is serious, the ego is usually in charge. ; )
So instead I sum it up thusly.
1) CONGRATS AND RELIEF: This week is my final days of doing medical transcription – work I have done day in, day out (with the exception of 9 months of my child’s inpatient cancer treatment, and even then 10 hrs/week) – for 22 YEARS, most often 50+ hours per week, most often including weekends without vacations for years. I calculated average number of weekly patient hospital records I completed from around the US over this period of time is equivalent to 1% of the US population (1% of 317 million). No worries about confidentiality folks. I trained myself to forget everything I hear. With the exception of a few emotionally charged cases I remember years later, I succeed in forgetting.
In some ways, it feels like a strange secret honor to have been a “fly on the wall” to so many people’s medical struggles, emergencies, and even death notices. In other ways, it was a job I started 22 years ago thinking I would try for half a year, so what happened? Setting aside most recent job for a small hospital where I have been treated very humanely and sadly leave a certain spine surgeon without his favorite transcriber, I learned a ton about what it is like to be at the bottom of the totem pole of multi-billion dollar corporations, and I can say I am glad this chapter of my life is closing.
2) FREELANCING FEAR: Other than 1-1/2 days per week of known work for a client and starting to train for another client for less than minimum wage next week, I have no idea how I will earn income. Strangely, this alternately terrifies me and does not worry me at all. If anyone needs a whiz-bang transcript made of a recorded interview, meeting, focus group or lecture, please contact me via the Speedyfingers tab at the top of this blog.
3) CAREER COUNSELING: Why on earth would a person who spent 14 years aiming toward a music performance career, 3 years of biology courses, 2 years as an immunology research intern, 2 years of education study, 2 years ecopsychology study, an English degree with minimally creative writing involving horrible sentence structure like this, 40 years knitting, 7 years visioning some kind of healing program for people living nature-disconnected lives, and 22 years transcribing hospital records need career counseling? I have been told this might be a good idea.
4) HEALING PROGRESS: I want eventually to be able to offer unconditional love and/or healing to others. What keeps me from doing so? While completing 11 of 13 lessons in an EcoArt Therapy course titled “Healing a Relationship”, I had a personal breakthrough. Like lightening flash in a dark room, I saw the relationship I need to heal is with the me that did have an open heart and open dreams, the one who slipped away in the shadows during a time of crisis, intense responsibility, hard work, and a trail of disastrous relationships or attempts to seek love. I flew over the past 15 years with clarity in a single second. I laughed that the redeeming qualities of years of fruitless dating and more years alone have been learning I can be mildly attractive in the right light and downright hilarious, especially when I am the only one getting the joke. I know the next time my pendulum of mind tells me I am exempt from healthy connections with people because of who I am, I will sit inside the presence of the woman who remembers an open heart and give her a hug.
I remain grateful for Nature’s nurturing and total acceptance of all of who I am.
Look deep into Nature, and then you will understand everything better.
~ Albert Einstein
I know loving supportive relationships among humans of all kinds exist.
For some reason, we are truly convinced that if we criticize ourselves, the criticism will lead to change. If we are harsh, we believe we will end up being kind. If we shame ourselves, we believe we end up loving ourselves. It has never been true, not for a moment, that shame leads to love. Only love leads to love.
~ Geneen Roth
Unconditionally loving, accepting human beings capable of embracing all of humanity have existed through time and will continue to exist. Comforting. That is where my attention will be.
Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something.
~ H. Jackson Brown Jr.