Happy Earth Day every day.
Happy Earth Day every day.
Whittling: Reduce something in size, amount, or extent by a gradual series of steps.
I feel a strong pull to shake myself free of most belongings, most books, all furniture, fish tank, cantankerous upright piano. Keeping a mattress, a work desk and computer, knitting supplies, a few pans to cook in, a few bowls, utensils, coffee mugs. I have a year to whittle away before my daughter moves on and I move who knows where.
Three years ago I wrote a vision plan for an ideal future, and at that time it included partnership. Revised version does not. Instead, I feel truly accompanied spiritually and no longer feel a pull toward partnership. In addition, my revised vision includes continuing what one beautiful person called “my ministry” of knitting items of comfort for people in crisis and starting to teach beginning knitting classes to whoever wants to learn.
From 2015 future vision: In summer, I was able to afford to take a week off work and head for the Oregon Coast. I can also afford to complete further training to become a nature guide with basic survival skills. I went on my first week-long meditation retreat. I am working on my third self-published book on the topic of emotional regulation and balance via feedback from the natural world. This includes resources people can rely on to encourage reconnection to the stabilizing, purifying, joyful love and peace one can experience in connection to Nature. People want to pay me to guide groups in the woods and are contributing their strengths in biology and botany to these walks. Each gathering is rewarding and educational.
Books are nuggets of wisdom meant to be shared. I am donating all my books to my local food bank, with exception of the following. This batch equips me with enough wisdom to face anything.
My 50th birthday present to self was to be an over-sized cardigan in my favorite deep blue color. I set the project aside to knit for other people’s requests, a year and a half flew by, I lost weight and no longer wanted such a big sweater. So I frogged the half sweater I’d completed and am repurposing it into a pattern called Tree Seeker by Joji Locatelli. Transformation is inevitable. : ) Here is my progress thus far. I am determined it will be done by my 52nd birthday.
Magical moments among the Great Firs after 28 consecutive days of screen time. Each cell in body feels a shift, breath deepens, posture and eyesight improve. Imagine what would happen to me if I could live more hours in the woods!
Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
― St. Francis of Assisi
This week I stumbled upon a documentary on M theory, Membrane theory or “superstring theory.” A flash of recognition: “Hey, this is precisely the truth I grasped in 2005.”
The thing that gets me is, how many times do those of us who receive information we don’t know what to do with are labeled “mentally unstable” or our knowings dismissed by ourselves or others because we aren’t able to articulate our wisdom in ways that those with higher education can?
In a moment of what I’ve come to call spiritual download, while sitting at my daughter’s bedside when she was rapidly decompensating during an episode of septic shock during her cancer treatment, I received a clear directive, “A membrane separates this and the next reality; she will be okay no matter what.”
I was able to find this paragraph from a real-time journal entry from 2006 where I describe in the most general way the truth I was shown. I was shown a more complex vision but could not articulate it past the moment of download:
I have come to believe strongly in the energy of prayer and staying connected to Source. I don’t believe the channel of that source connection matters, I only know the connection is important. As I have started praying more and keeping my connection open to Source, I have seen manifested results in my life I cannot explain any other way than the fruit of this connection. When I reflect on the times my daughter came close to leaving, and being around other children who passed, I have an image of life and death being separated by a membrane. Somehow that membrane seems most porous when we are connected with Source.
Now, I don’t have a degree in physics, only went as high as basic statistics in math, and truly don’t understand quantum physics beyond a rudimentary intellectual level. But I know with every fiber (or membrane) of my being that membranes are what separate dimensions and realms of existence. A few googles later, and it turns out M-theory was first proposed in 1995 at an international conference on string theory, and in 2005 this man gave a TED talk best explaining it to us who are not physicists.
A few bits from that 2005-2007 old journal that demonstrate how we all exist in different realities even in the same dimension:
To illustrate the vast chasm between a mother’s anxiety about all the “what ifs” and the 6-year-old’s reality, here’s a little snippet of conversation from yesterday.
Doctor: “(Daughter), do YOU have any concerns?”
(Daughter): “Yeah. . . the TV in this room is not working!”
She got a finger poke for blood and her platelets did not clump this time, so they didn’t have to draw from her arm and keep trying. She says it was because “I told those platelets to get movin’!” ~ 2007
For the finger poke, (daughter) told the lab tech, “I’ve had one million 500 of these before, so I don’t even need to cry.” ~ 2007
Glad that phase of my life is behind me and my daughter, but I will continue to look back on that time period as my most profound spiritual awakening. Just as a spiral moves around and around at higher levels, I hope to continue progressing in some way understanding more and more of what being here in this laboratory of life shows me. Right now, it’s a bit of a muddle. I can see the matrix grid of which I am a part as far as my current circumstances for what they are: That I co-create the matrix, that I can see what I’d like to change, that I know I want to work toward greater freedom of movement, greater growth, greater service, but I’m at a loss of what steps to take or how to get to the next level of that spiral. It feels like every move I see requires something I do not have and what I do have does not allow me to progress.
Video taken during a 24-hour period I saw 10 bald eagles recently in response to me asking to be shown a sign of what steps to take. They certainly know how to ride the thermals of the spiral.
Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.~ Lao Tzu
Times of transition are strenuous, but I love them. They are an opportunity to purge, rethink priorities, and be intentional about new habits. We can make our new normal any way we want.~ Kristin Armstrong
Walking in this magical place after torrential rain in motionless air, I overheard a group of women ask, “Why don’t we come out here more often?” Answer, “It’s the getting out the door that’s the hardest thing.”
Why don’t we permit ourselves to go out the door?
I know my time here is precious with proximity to such gifts of nature, and I never take it for granted. Walking outside is so essential to my mental health that even during weeks of overwork when only time to walk is in dark, I walk. Maybe illustrates my tendency to avoid gyms like the plague, but I’ll take an air/rain/wind/sleet bath any day over moving inside a gym. Another blessing of living in a rural space. I’m not so sure I would walk in darkness during my big city days.
So many questions have arisen for my spirit guides lately. Am I living my purpose? Am I doing enough to serve others? What concrete steps can I take to reach my dreams, my basic needs?
One answer I received around self-expression with an image of an arm placing round items into a basket: “You are gathering voices now. When it is time, you will speak.”
Transcribing voices for a living can be fascinating and also moving. I have been inspired immensely by clarity about humanity expressed by people who have endured the worst humanity has to offer (refugees of all kinds). Something about that contrast is super powerful and gives me more hope about humanity than anything else. Once I am past supporting my child through her final year of public school and earning her own way in the world which seems to take my entire focus, this population is who I want to serve in some way. Tutoring English to immigrants and refugees was the most rewarding person-to-person thing I’ve ever done in my past, and I’m percolating on contributing my energies there when possible.