Today’s inspiration came in the form of a double rainbow last night hovering over me and my daughter as we walked to the library. These double arcs of color seem to occur with some frequency near where I live, but they do not often coincide with the end of my day shift, so I feel blessed every time I see one.
My goal for this fall/winter is to return to reading, piano, and knitting – all my first loves – as a way to revisit some foundation of self. My library card was so unused, I needed to create a new one. A first read is a gem of a book titled “There Are No Mistakes: Becoming Comfortable with Life as it is, not as it ‘Should’ Be,” by Eleanor Wiley. The message of this book is much like all the other material I tend to seek out – acceptance of oneself and being fully present in one’s life.
I have practiced meditation for years and I know the value of this message is real, but all the work and reading I have done has not helped me stray far from two negative modes for long: 1) Feeling trapped in life and relationships, 2) Feeling lost in life and relationships. So the antidote? More meditation and letting go. Eventually I envision a life that is richer in social connection than mine is now, but for now I am allowing myself to exist in a gap between until I am able to gain further clarity about how I got here and where to go.
See, my job is the perfect way to kill most of my favorite hobbies, unpaid skills, and interests (reading, music, knitting, writing) because it drains my eyes, ears, and hands of their energy to transcribe reports all day. I have used it as an excuse for 17 years now about why I am unable to enjoy the things I formerly enjoyed. I’m done with the excuse! If I find a different job becomes available, I will accept it, but for now I am intent on keeping the joy in my life regardless.