3:05 a.m. and Illusion of Free Will

Each morning for the past month, I have awoken out of sound sleep at exactly 3:05 a.m.  I wish I could say I solve great problems as a result of this, and suddenly everything in my life fits together like a completed puzzle.  Instead, I think about things like the “illusion of free will” being part of our consciousness, as read in an interview with Oliver Sacks, the renowned neuroscientist.  He indicates “We must act as if we had free will.”

At 3:05 a.m. an image came to me of each human life suspended in a droplet of water.  Some of us are flailing and thrashing about inside the membrane of our drop, while others are calmly swaddled within the surface tension.  Some of us sacrifice our own borders to become part of lakes and streams– the greater All of consciousness– while still others slam into droplets, disregarding the boundary where one life exists and another begins.

For several years, it has become apparent to me much of my lifestyle is nearly polar opposite of how I want to live.   To that end, I have listened to and networked with groups of people focused on spirituality being birthed out of shifts anticipated ad nauseam in 2012.

The idea that our thoughts are energy that can create our reality, even change our very cellular structure as well as any physical action we may take.   The idea that belief, visualization, positive intention all combine in a powerful recipe to change our physical world reality.   The idea that thoughts can be grouped into higher vibrations (love based) and lower vibrations (fear based), and that these thoughts are forever spiraling out through the universe as it expands.  Just like the electrical impulse of each of our heartbeats, the energy is forever somewhere.

Where does free will come into play?  I believe after the meditating and the thoughts, I must initiate action.  So when I live a lifestyle that would be the dream of an autistic person with severe agoraphobia, yet I am an empath who prefers communicating with humans to computers, and I prefer to be outdoors to indoors, I take actions.  Small actions toward changing my reality.

“Illusion of free will” makes a lot of sense in my reality, because try as I might to initiate positive thoughts and actions toward change, I appear to be frustrated time and again.  Like the time I find a day off work to sign up for a no-fee Sierra Club outing (my kind of budget), only to be told there was a computer glitch in the reservation system, and that outing is no longer accepting people.  Or the time I sign up for a volunteer opportunity to plant seedlings with a group of people involved in watershed restoration only for it to be canceled the following week.  Or when I apply to job after job after job to work outside the home, only to be told I am overqualified or underqualified.

Okay, I think.  So if everything happens for a reason, there must be some way it is preferable to me to live like an autistic agoraphobic.  Maybe some grand poobah of consciousness is keeping me in my little droplet of circumstance to teach me patience, perhaps, or self reliance, or how to cope with insomnia.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll figure it out when the next 3:05 a.m. rolls around.

About Erin W

A sensitive plant, bamboo strong.
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