No More Want. Is it possible to not want? That question rumbles around inside.
Of course my favorite escape dream visits of living off land, immersed in nature most of my days, a tiny cottage with a music room and desk, but I don’t feel willing or able to throw out everything and my responsibilities to get there.
What if where I am is a miracle? Every breath, every word, everything unfolding?
I’ve been kindly offered much help on defining what I want and how to get there. My head spins. Living with want feels like a stranglehold. Yes, road maps can be constructed and realistic steps a person can take to get from Point A to Point B. Simple cause and effect. This begets this, that begets that. I know there is work one can do to bring oneself from poverty to affluence, from soul-deadening work to joyful work. Everyone will tell you it begins inside of yourself. It’s all you shifting.
And then a course on how to bring compassion to the parts of you that have been blocking miracles. I listen in and feel uncomfortable, because I wonder, what if it’s all miracles? Self-compassion is fabulous, but who’s to say miracles are blocked just because a person does not live everything the way they might think is ideal?
What if every moment up to now is a miracle? Is it possible to not want, but simply unfold like a leaf?
Dreams that live in me are always just a someday away and maybe dreams are better like that.
What about now? What about the miracle of being here, thinking these thoughts, breathing in this time, doing these things?
I have created in many ways during 2014, more than in my entire adult life. Drawing, learning, photographing, publishing, knitting, writing. Some days I have felt urgency like a plant that flowers like crazy before it dies. Pressure to create a new vision because same old, same old feels worn out and uncomfortable. Maybe a new way forward is unfolding. I am starting to think it may all be miracles, even the discomfort, losses, worry, financial struggle, even the not knowing.