As long as we ask questions, Life provides answers everywhere. I have been feeling a strong longing to dive deeper into spiritual exploration for a long time, and am seeking sessions with various practiced teachers of different wisdom lineages. For years, I have wanted to drop everything and just slip into an alternative life focused primarily on spirit. So I read voraciously. I listen to interviews with spiritual teachers. And I keep my own daily meditation practice, that like the weather sometimes feels like crap, sometimes feels completely untethered to any grounding, and sometimes like pure bliss where I go to another realm for what feels like 60 seconds returning to find my clock moved a full 60 minutes.
It’s darn inconvenient to find a teacher to work with that meets my need to balance the hours I need to work with my lack of funds to travel to Seattle often that feels a “good fit.” And that’s one of Life’s biggest teachers – inconvenience. Do you work more hours to earn more money to travel, making travel harder to arrange? Do you work with guides who are in near proximity even if they don’t feel like a great fit? I’ve read all sorts of people’s experiences of utter knowing when they find the right teacher.
I want to focus on recurring questions:
1) Who am I? (at a soul level)
2) Can I heal my heart enough to exist in service to others and myself? (Can I serve without fear and exhaustion or is that too much to ask and need to align with fear and exhaustion?)
3) Can I know a deep sense of belonging in this human family?
But then it occurs to me how Life teaches us beautifully. I badly want a “guide” I believe I have never found, but then I wonder if I have all the guides I need.
Like, as I am going through a phase– lasting years– of feeling cut-off from people and all that feels right is to be with trees. Then someone in my family suffers a crisis, and I am brought back to ways I can be of service, ways I can connect to what is most definitely in the trenches humbly human.
Someone in my art therapy online class I am completing on fumes (having let my involvement in the class dwindle), wrote me the most beautiful words I have ever been written. I don’t want to betray confidentiality here, but the words are about how she sees me, how the difficulties I have arrive with a specific gift that I may not see until the moment I am ready to use them. And English is not her first language. There is a powerful teacher for me.
I recognize I have been seeing my own value in the shadow of a hero’s quest – my dream to walk across the entire country, feeling I’ve failed it if I have not transmuted my painful experiences completely and with enough confidence to serve others. Maybe my value is more subtle than a hero overcoming great odds to be applauded. Maybe I can learn a different value.
I want the universe to know I am earnestly trying to move past wherever I am stuck and deeply appreciate the love I have been shown thus far.
For now, it’s improving the little habits – how I eat, how I work, how I walk, how I speak to my teen. Maybe that’s all the value my character needs, all the answers necessary.
Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson