School of Solo vs. Partner University


This is a post that’s been working on me, rather than me on it.  It wants to be written.  Anytime anyone talks about relationships we walk a fine line between saying something we regret or wish to delete and painting an honest picture.  To that end, my intention is to focus on what I am learning on my path, rather than reveal anything which may be hurtful to anyone else.


Much depth exists in the journey of learning one’s own self reliance, self love, self care.  In fact, so much depth I have questioned whether partnership is necessary to a healthful, loving life.  I have pondered what I would want young women to know, a younger me even, and it boils down to this:  I want you to know it is okay to be alone and have nothing but your wits about you inside a culture that tends to value coupling and status above all else.  (Wits and clothing.  Clothing is nice to have along with wits).  The numbers tell us a bit under half (44%) of all Americans are single at any given point in time.  So clearly, walking around feeling bad about being solo is a weight we need not carry.


My education in this school has been challenging.  I never got a diploma, but I did learn a great deal from every person.  I made commitments I thought were positive at the time with the understanding I had in a moment in time, and later realized for the sake of self preservation, soul preservation, I needed to break.  Other people have done the same with me.  So I have seen the view from both sides of the equation – being left and leaving.  Neither feels good.

What I have learned is any time we are bringing our highest self into anything we do, we are better off.  I have also learned I tend to be better able to access my highest self solo.  At least thus far.  I would like to learn how to do the same inside partnership, but instead I have seemed to attract partnerships that involve drama and even tragedy, often multiplying pain rather than joy.

I have also seen “healthy” masquerading as competition and learned that life is not a Win/Lose proposition.  If it is important for anyone to consistently be a winner, what does that make their partner?  Competing only with ourselves to go the extra mile further than we have is the best option.  And even though our legal framework is Win/Lose, there are no winners in divorce or family court.  Zero.

I have learned we need to embody what we want.  Like attracts like.  I continue to work on this.  I would like to experience primarily joy and peace inside partnership.  I visit these two pillars daily for myself.

Sometimes I question whether it is a direction equation.  Let’s say we want to attract someone healthy, so we place our focus solidly on being financially, spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy.  I don’t know about you, but when I attempt this, as I often do, I find not enough hours in a day to even begin to imagine anything left over for a partner.  Put in more concrete terms, if I’m spending 2 hours a day on physical health (nutrition + exercise), 8 hours a day on financial health, meditating and spiritual development 1 hour a day, and creative space/self-care for my emotions, what time is left over for someone that is not me?

Meditating, Dating, Possibility

Breathing in, I am love.
True nature rises, you are
Enough, enough, you.

Online dating says
Too fat, too smart, too slow, too
Short, too old, too me.

I want to know what
It feels like to be enough
In relationship.

There are no less than a gazillion and a half relationship “experts” out there, but here’s one man’s 2 cents I find refreshing and worth a look:

About Erin W

A sensitive plant, bamboo strong.
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