Two months of reflection on what to do with this blog leaves me wanting to hold its space instead of discarding it.
Creating a knitting blog at Waterwomanknits coincided with new midlife awareness of myself as likely on autism spectrum, so to prevent too much divergence from knitting content, I would like to keep this “Another Remarkable Day” space available for insights not knitting related. Waterwomanknits will stay primarily knitting-related content and makings.
Another Remarkable Day has been an expressive outlet for many unfulfilled and fulfilled big dreams like walking across the country, poetry, music, musings over seven years going on eight. The value of going back and seeing different ways I’ve grown is helpful to me and maybe possibly others.
My very first post in October 2011 mentions the crux of what I imagine are experienced with many on autism spectrum, when I identified two themes: 1) Feeling trapped in life and relationships, 2) Feeling lost in life and relationships.
Happy to report I no longer feel trapped in life. Instead, I feel home in myself. My biggest ongoing sense of overwhelm comes from finances, but this one area of life I know for a fact is true for most Americans. And all relationships are still a challenge, but now that I have “found myself,” I don’t describe the feeling as lost. Puzzled often in the social world, but not lost. It’s how I deal with those challenges that has changed. Coping and healing modalities are what I would like to continue to focus on here going forward.
New information is helpful to me. Reading in one recent source that the autistic brain may very well have a different response to “social reward” or good feelings from social interaction was one aha moment that rings true for my life experience. Despite being blessed with usually one especially close friend at a time growing up, I’ve always felt a sense of being alone even in friendship or relationship and just wasn’t “getting it” on more than a surface level why everyone was telling me social bonds were the most important thing in their life. This is not to say I don’t appreciate people who have raised me and loved me, and the daughter I have raised.
It’s just for me, being alone is such a powerful sense of “relief.” My version of success would be becoming a self-sufficient hermit. Forming adult bonds with others, in retrospect, I did continuously out of a sense of watching what my peers were doing for whatever stage of life I was in, and trying, trying, trying to put myself through all sorts of hoops to mimic that. And then feeling awful because I somehow wasn’t “getting” as powerful a sense of belonging in intimacy that I did when alone. I love observing humanity, believe the human spirit is powerful, and have strong emotions when I see injustice play out.
I particularly would like to compile anything I do for myself that may be helpful to anyone, inclusive of those diagnosed or self-diagnosed like me on autism spectrum. Maybe one day (after an official clinical diagnosis at some future point when I have insurance coverage), I could become a coach of some kind like a LifeMap Coach to help others who may struggle more than me.
It was until recently thought that mostly boys were in autistic spectrum. If you would like to learn a bit more about a “newly talked about but old” phenomenon of women and autism, there are many wonderful YouTube and TED firsthand experience talks, and here I post a few.
The bravest thing I’ve ever seen:
In 2011, I did not have a smart phone or camera, so even though my first blog post was titled Double Rainbow, it did not include a photograph. Here now are some rainbows I captured from my neighborhood at other times. My constant bounty of images from the great power source that is nature is one example of how far I’ve come since that first blog post. More to come whenever the inspiration strikes.